Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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