I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
