I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
