I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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