You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
