life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
