I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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