You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
