I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
