woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
