Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
