You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
