I'm eating all of the evidence.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
