just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
