i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
