we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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