i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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