I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
