Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
