I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
