Your mouth is God's brothel.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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