So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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