mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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