And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
