This is not my ceiling
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
