I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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