P.S. I can't hear my feet
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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