he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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