Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
