Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
