I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
