i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
