Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i drank out of a bidet.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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