i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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