Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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