my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize