You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
