You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
