I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
