How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
