She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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