Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
