hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
