My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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