Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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