Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
