Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
