For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
