Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize