I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Randomize
