And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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