Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
