I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize