I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
