you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
